kourtney!

how could you do this to me again?! dont you care about me at all! you call me your sister and then i hear from you after not being able to contact you for a long time and then with out any notice at all your gone! you've moved some where else! and you cant take a few moments to txt, e-mail or call?! i love you kourtney! you have my number! i dont like this! it's been going on for years now! and it really hurts!


i dont know how to contact you so i'm posting this where ever i think you could possibly see it. i want to talk to my sister :)

love,
julie :)

i haven't been posting lately because i want to get all caught up with past events before i post something of the present. but today is my grandpapa's birthday...well of his earth life anyway. i was thinking about that the other day..i wonder, for those who have died and moved on, if they celebrate the day they were born into the next part of life? :) i think i would :)

so..

to my grandpapa :),

or as you are known to my kiddos paka paka :) we miss you and maga maga a lot! i haven't been able to open your memory book or grandma's book either that mom made. i've tried but it's all just too sad right now. but i will work on that because i'm sure it will be very fun to look threw :) i'm trying not to be too sad because i'm prettie positive that you and grandma are happie! :) but it has been a little difficult moving back home and driving past your house, seeing the places on the garage where your name once was, now just empty grey squares and realizing the place where i feel i spent a good part of my child hood i can no longer enter. and even if i could you wouldn't be there sitting in your chair watching golf or reading the news paper or books about the navy or eating your oatmeal as you did every morning from the same bowl. no longer can i hear you sing with your hand stretched out with a smile " i wanna hold your hand" :) i knew that part of that song from the beattles even before i knew who the beattles were :) how i wish i had that recorded so i could listen to it every time i want to feel close to you :)

so today joshie, the three kiddos and me will be visiting yours and grandma's grave. although it may be a little far to travel if you and grandma could swing by we'd love it! :) and we love you both!!!!!!!!! :) happie day of birth grandpa! :) what a fun birthday to be with your wife you had to wait over 16 years to see again and your two baby boys that you waited even longer to be with! :) we love you all!!!!!!! :) xx's & oo's :)

p.s.

i'm verie glad you came to earth & that you are my paka! :) and i wanna hold your hand ;)

joshua :),
you bring me more joy in this life than i thought was possible :) i still feel myself becoming giddy when i see you walk up to the door returning home from work :) it is when you are happie that i find myself at my happiest! :) some times it is as if you control all the elements of life because my life revolves around your well being and happieness :) i see in you the best that human kind has to offer :) and divine potential :) you are my sun and my moon :) my earth and my sky :) you are so much apart of me that i at times wonder where i end and you begin! :) i love you soo much that there are no words in the human language to express my feelings fully :) i am so blessed to have you as my husband, the father of our children, my companion in mischief and my verie best friend! :) happiest of birthdays babie! :) i love you with out end!!!!!!!!!! :)

julie :)

right now i am really confused about what are next steps in life are.....

we will be moving back to spokane for, i don't know how long... until we figure things out or start one of our plans there :)

i know i want to go to byu hawaii and i will have some work ahead of me to even start school which we are thinking of starting in spokane & then going from there

or does joshie go to grad school?

or does joshie take a short course to get a higher paying job & then i go to school?

& where do we do all of this?

questions????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

questions???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

questions?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

and i don't think we will have it figured out any time soon

in a good way :) we will figure it out when the time is right ;)

until then we have packing, moving! two weddings to attend! & help out with & lots of reading, praying & researching what it takes for the things we want & discovering our best options :)

it will be fun! :)

joshie jokes but in a truthful way that in a couple of weeks we will be homeless & unemployed :) but we have a place to stay ;) thank you momma & daddio! :) you guys are AWESOME!! :)

oh! and i have recently had some ideas for me to work at home that almost seem to have dropped from heaven & planted itself into my mind! :) but i will have to learn how to sow better ;) i'll explain later ;) right now i should probably get back to moving stuff :) man! i will have a lot to get caught up on in august! ;)

until then LOVE & PEACE TO ALL!!!!!!!! :)

i was lying in bed this morning thinking about something in my grandma's life and a question came up and i thought, i'll ask grandpa about it! :) then the next moment i remembered that he's not here for me to ask questions to any more.
i was a little sad at first, but then i felt happie :)

whenever i start feeling sad about my grandpa passing away these sad feelings are soon chased away by feelings of happieness because i think of how wonderful of a reunion he had when he was able to see and talk to his wife and two babies again! :)
i miss him but life is never ending! :) it just changes :) in a good way :)

and some day when joshie and me are old and white haired he and grandma and my two uncles will be waiting there to greet us :) along with all sorts of other dear family members and friends! :) oooo! and all sorts of ancesters and people that i would LOVE to talk to! :) i have a list of those people that i would love to learn from after this earth life! :)

ok i have been kinda sick lately ( nothing bad :) and i have some catching up to do, but i wanted to post a link to a great video that joshua made for a contest that ends soon. it's AWESOME!!! :) joshie is so talented! :) we didn't get the video entered in the contest as soon as we would have liked, so we are a little nervous about getting enough votes to get into the top 20 voted entries. (the first round of voting) so any help would be GREATLY APPRECIATED!!!!!!! :) it is a one time vote :) and THANKS SO MUCH!!! if you have already voted :) and if you are going to vote, THANKS SO MUCH to you too!!!!! :) also i was wondering if those of you who like the video too could pass the link along to others, that would be FANTASTIC!!!!!! :) and if any one who has a blog and wouldn't mind putting the link on their blog that would be AWESOME!!! :) i know i'm kinda Crazie Excited about it, but this is one of the first video contest where the video is what joshua wants to do..documentary :) well i hope every one is having a SUPER FANTABULOUS week end!! :) love and peace to ALL!!!!!!!!! :)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3XIOwhQEEU

it is 4:33 in the morning and joshua's alarm for work is going off......and i am feeling very sad...........still in mourning over a lost friendship.....but, the birds are singing so happilie and with a sweet kiss and hug from my joshie i am very excited for a beautiful new day!!!! :)

peace
-noun
1. the normal, nonwarring condition of a nation, group of nations or world.
2. (often cap.) an agreement or treaty between warring or antagonistic nations, groups, etc., to end hostilities and abstain from further fighting or antagonism
3. a state of mutual harmony between people or groups, especially in personal relation: try to live in peace with your neighbors.
4. cessation of or freedom from any strife or dissension.
5. a state of tranquillity or serenity.

-Idioms
at peace,
a. in a state or relationship of nonbelligerence or concord ; not at war :)
b. untroubled ; tranquil ; content :)

hatred is a plague that should be avoided at all

costs!

it's sickness sinks deep into your soul and

affects your

heart causing it to become cold and brittle

until it beats

no more for human kind

your thoughts and reasoning become void of logic

and

feeling

it wraps your eyes and plugs your ears until all

you can see

and hear is it's fear and anger

until all you are and embody is hate itself!

ok so i don't know what i am going to write about i just feel the need to write.

the past week or so i have been able to reduce my stress levels to where i feel like i could actually relax :) where before i was just going from extreme going to freak out stress to lesser stress. i have been able to relax through this blog, taking time to just chill out even for a few minutes and by not taking time for any one or any thing extra. so just focusing on family & friends, joshie and me & my art :) even if all i have time to do is write down or sketch my ideas it makes me feel so happie and free :)

i have had a lot of anxiety and stress with living here on byu campus. there is this invisible pressure to fit a certain mold and well i can't, nor do i want to. i make the mold crash into a million pieces and cause those that are waddling around in their oppressive plaster molds to turn and stare like i'm some kind of freak! or something! to be truthful i don't mind being a "freak" this is who i am! :) and although i am flawed i feel that i am a pretty good person :)

my doctor, well one of them that i have been seeing, says that anxiety could be attributing to the hair thinning as well. it's not that there are not good people here. there really are :) but there are also fake smiles and false friendships which i have experienced first hand :) or my favorite, i smile to them because i'm happie and i don't hate them, and my existence is not even acknowledged, at all.

i know i could run into this anywhere and probably will, it just seems to happen a lot here.

anyways what am i trying to say? oh also our bishop really doesn't like us very much. with out even knowing about my illness or asking joshua why he wasn't able to make it to church on a regular basis, he threatened to kick us out of byu. he pretty much told joshua to grow up and get to church or he was going to pull his ecclesiastical endorsement! joshua was so upset he didn't let him know why we weren't there plus i don't think he would have cared! so i don't hate him, but he is not my favorite person. and after all this my anxiety about going to church grew...a lot! i would have trouble going to sleep saturday nights and so i would stay up way to late so i wouldn't wake up to my alarms. and until i realized what i was doing it wasn't even on purpose. (i still do this) or i will make it to bed at an ok time and wake up a few hours later and then these anxious feelings will start and i'm awake for hours! and so i have trouble waking up sunday morning.

now i had finally figured all this stuff out, but with what happened recently with those who i was writing about with the beatles song ' i thought i knew you' i have kind of been re evaluating things and coming to conclusions and i just feel like i'm kind of in mourning over it, if that makes sense. so i'm kind of like going in side my turtles shell where i know i'm safe from harm and i'm just doing a lot of thinking. i LOVE the gospel of Jesus Christ! :) at the very core or the message of Christ is to Love EVERY ONE! to care for and help EVERY ONE, that we are ALL brothers and sisters and children of our Father and Mother in Heaven! and well all that equals Peace! :) i like that message! :) i just find it difficult to co exist with the energy that is here on campus.
and that is my problem to overcome :) which with some time i'm sure i'll feel better again :)

away from provo it's not so bad, in fact salt lake is fun! but we don't live there :) any ways :) i'm not really trying to put any one down. these are just my experiences from my point of view and it is with out hiding anything, how i feel right now. oh but for the reason i started writing is i'm trying to figure out whether or not i will be doing my visiting teaching this month. the idea stresses me out. i read the e-mail from my visiting teaching companion & the stress came back! what's wrong with me! :) i feel like other than friends and family i just need to be left alone! just until i've recovered and i'm done being a turtle :) but is that selfish? and will that affect our Temple interviews since i will be scheduling those for this week or next? it shouldn't, but you never know here.

well i feel better :) more at peace :) still a little stressed but better :) i don't mean to freak any one out :) and thank you all for your comments! :) i love hearing from all of you! :) and i love all of you! :) and even if i don't know you i love you because your my sister or brother! :)

ALL WE ARE SAYING IS GIVE PEACE A CHANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

p.s. when we are in, the place that we are moving to next which i will hopefully write about tomorrow or the day after, i want to put together a PEACE march!!!!!! :) it will be sooooo AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) and please have a Beautiful day today!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
and share your real smiles for all to see!!!!!!! :)
julie :)

yep. this is what my part looks like right now!

since

being on birth control, since i have a hormone imbalance and i strong weekly dose of vitamin D pill, since my levels were very low i have noticed that i am not losing my hair like i was. which is really good! i was finding it every where all the day long! but will my hair grow back?! i don't know! it also might run in the family. i keep feeling, usually after a little panic that it all will be ok! :) i feel peaceful :) i will have my vitamin D level checked in a couple of weeks and then my follow up appointment to see what exactly is going on :)

now i can live with out my hair. i would be very sad only because i feel my hair reflects how i feel inside: crazie curly & a little frizzy! :) i try not to confuse my hair's beauty with my real beauty, but at times it is hard since it is apart of me, more than just physically. but i also know that very few things in this life are perminate and i will get my full head of hair again when my body is also with out illness! :) and i actually like the bald girl look and i have plans of shaving and then painting my head, but i would like it to grow back :) sigh

today i got excited for a moment because i thought i saw new hairs growing, but all it was was i could see strains more clearly and individually because i have less hair :(

so we'll see what happens :) if any one out there has information for me about female hair loss it would be greatly appreciated! or just nice comments :)

i do think stress might have been adding to the problem(s) also. untill very, very recently i have been so stressed out ALL the time, even my dreams were stressfull, to where i would wake up with a sore jaw cause i had been clenching my teeth through parts of the night and all my dreams were stressful! but no worries i am slowly figuring this lifef out! happie thoughts, happie energy and love and peace to ALL!!!!!!!!! :)

-i think it might help if i lose wieght too :) i have lost 30 of the 60lbs i want to lose :) i just need to keep going! :)

I miss my Heavenly Mother.
And I am really looking forward to the day I can hug Her & kiss Her on the cheek :)
And tell Her how much I've missed Her and how much I love Her :)

i have been having so many ideas recently for art projects that i'm going to do the ones that i can now & then when i'm ready i am going to start another blog to feature all of my art & of course thoughts & feelings too :)

i have been sharing these ideas to joshua & he is so open & wonderful!!!!! :) he is willing to be my subject in any medium & even willing to grow his hair out or anything else that i have thrown his way! :)

just the other day i was out running errands & this fantastic idea just struck me like lightning! :) i was so excited about it when it first came to me i almost screamed with excitement!!!!! :) which is not something i normally do :) when i came home i told joshua how excited i was, but i wasn't sure how legal it was, so i have some research to do :) and joshua was cautious but was very supportive & thought that is was a good idea :)

i'm just so glad that i married some one who is as crazie as i am!!!!! :)

thank you babie! :) i love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

i have been re evaluating or making some realizations in my life & i feel happier & more alive! :) it's so exciting & fun! :) the way life should be, an adventure! :)

fear + hate= war
war=deeep sadness




love=happiness+joy

love=charity for others

love=peace

love=acceptance+unerstanding

world love=world peace

i hope every one had a wonderful mama's day yesterday! :) i wish i could have transported our family to spoakne wa & pensacola fl to give flowers & hugs and kisses to every one!!! i miss all of you :(

yesterday joshie, my super amazing husband, went to work at 4am, got off work about 8am, then ran to the store, came home and let me sleep. while he made a card with the kiddos, and a flower hair clip bouquet! :)

he served me bagels in bed with my favorite cream cheese ( garden veggie) while i waited for the ok to come into the kitchen :) samuel really enjoyed the bagels and so did i :)

joshie made a huge breakfast! with waffles, whip cream and strawberries, bacon, orange pineapple juice & turkey sausage! :) it was oh so yummie!!!!! :)



he also dipped strawberries, bananas & marsh mellows in chocolate!! :) for later.
mmmmmmmmm :)


then after eating he told me on may 31st that we will all go see davy jones in concert! yay! :)

almost immediately after filling our bellies we all took a nice nap :) afterwards we all got dressed up and walked to the provo temple and took those easter pictures that because of illness & a series of cold gloomy days were never taken :)
there we played and ate our chocolate dipped treats! :)
p.s. ( we have all those pics on flickr) :)

then we came home, called some mommies and watched paper heart :) very good movie! :)


wow what a great day!!!!! :) i will have to plan a super wonderful day for joshie for papa's day to thank him! :)

thank you joshie! :) i love you silly pants!! :)


and thank you to my three beautiful babies that make my heart smile every day to know that i have been blessed to be your mammie! :) i love you heyham, yiriam & samo so much!!!!!!!!! :)



gosh they're cute!!! :)

I thought I knew you What did I know!!


I'm looking through you...


this song illustrates how i feel very well.



( be warned the last peace video on my blog has graphic images )


I,ve had a few people that I thought I knew, turn out to be some one very different than who I thought they were. Just the other night when I found out their true feelings about a certain group of people, I cried.

I couldn't believe it! Then I tried to remind them that we are ALL children of God and we are all loved by Him :) But to no avail. We ended up arguing each others side. And now I no longer speak to them.



It's all very sad. I still love them. I can have friends that are different from me. In fact I like hearing peoples different views and cultures. And if there is something that is brought up in conversation that I don't agree with and it's nothing to important I just don't say anything. I don't believe that every one needs to live their life exactly as I do. I want them to decide for themselves! But I draw the line when it comes to prejudice and hate!!!!!



World Peace is possible!! We are all capable of having love for our brother and sister!! But it requires that we step outside ourselves, realizing we are all different, but that we are all apart of the same Human Family! And we are ALL LOVED ENDLESSLY regardless of our race, religious beliefs or no religious beliefs, or nationality, ethnic background, social standing, etc.,by the one being that has the ultimate say in our lives and eternity! God Loves All!!! Lets Love one another! :) And do our best to help one another! :)



By this shall men know ye are my disciples. If ye have Love one to another :)

Love One Another: Primary Song



This is a song that we teach our children. Let us take these lyrics to heart :)

And of course these songs and ideas also express how I feel! :) And would be Wonderful if these ideas of Peace and Love were to enter every ones heart and make the change that is needed! :)

Give Love and Peace a chance and help it to change our lives and the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)









ok the imagine video didn't work, but you need to watch it! The lyrics coupled with the video is just Beautiful!!!!! :)



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-b7qaSxuZUg

this is my first real animation :) we put it together for a contest but i didn't get it done in time :) it took a lot longer than i thought :) i worked on it for about 4 hrs., drawing, scanning and adding colour on the computer :) for about 17 seconds of animation! :) then joshie put the pictures in motion and added the text and music! I Love him! :) it was lots of FUN!!!!! :) and i've watched it over and over again! it's so fun to see your art come to life!!!!!! :)

much love to everyone!!!!!!! :)

My Youtube Channel here it is :)

hello every one! :) i hope u r having a beautiful sun shinnie day!!!!! :)
i am putting together a list of books to read and would like suggestions from everyone :) i'm not really into fiction but i will give it a try :) i really would like those books that stoped and made u think about the world, society, culture etc. and those that u just loved and couldn't put down! :) any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! :)
much Love, Happieness & Peace to all!!!!!!!!! :)

We are all apart of the same Human Family! :) Isn't that WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!! :)

Being American is not about being caucasian it is about being free!