ok so i don't know what i am going to write about i just feel the need to write.

the past week or so i have been able to reduce my stress levels to where i feel like i could actually relax :) where before i was just going from extreme going to freak out stress to lesser stress. i have been able to relax through this blog, taking time to just chill out even for a few minutes and by not taking time for any one or any thing extra. so just focusing on family & friends, joshie and me & my art :) even if all i have time to do is write down or sketch my ideas it makes me feel so happie and free :)

i have had a lot of anxiety and stress with living here on byu campus. there is this invisible pressure to fit a certain mold and well i can't, nor do i want to. i make the mold crash into a million pieces and cause those that are waddling around in their oppressive plaster molds to turn and stare like i'm some kind of freak! or something! to be truthful i don't mind being a "freak" this is who i am! :) and although i am flawed i feel that i am a pretty good person :)

my doctor, well one of them that i have been seeing, says that anxiety could be attributing to the hair thinning as well. it's not that there are not good people here. there really are :) but there are also fake smiles and false friendships which i have experienced first hand :) or my favorite, i smile to them because i'm happie and i don't hate them, and my existence is not even acknowledged, at all.

i know i could run into this anywhere and probably will, it just seems to happen a lot here.

anyways what am i trying to say? oh also our bishop really doesn't like us very much. with out even knowing about my illness or asking joshua why he wasn't able to make it to church on a regular basis, he threatened to kick us out of byu. he pretty much told joshua to grow up and get to church or he was going to pull his ecclesiastical endorsement! joshua was so upset he didn't let him know why we weren't there plus i don't think he would have cared! so i don't hate him, but he is not my favorite person. and after all this my anxiety about going to church grew...a lot! i would have trouble going to sleep saturday nights and so i would stay up way to late so i wouldn't wake up to my alarms. and until i realized what i was doing it wasn't even on purpose. (i still do this) or i will make it to bed at an ok time and wake up a few hours later and then these anxious feelings will start and i'm awake for hours! and so i have trouble waking up sunday morning.

now i had finally figured all this stuff out, but with what happened recently with those who i was writing about with the beatles song ' i thought i knew you' i have kind of been re evaluating things and coming to conclusions and i just feel like i'm kind of in mourning over it, if that makes sense. so i'm kind of like going in side my turtles shell where i know i'm safe from harm and i'm just doing a lot of thinking. i LOVE the gospel of Jesus Christ! :) at the very core or the message of Christ is to Love EVERY ONE! to care for and help EVERY ONE, that we are ALL brothers and sisters and children of our Father and Mother in Heaven! and well all that equals Peace! :) i like that message! :) i just find it difficult to co exist with the energy that is here on campus.
and that is my problem to overcome :) which with some time i'm sure i'll feel better again :)

away from provo it's not so bad, in fact salt lake is fun! but we don't live there :) any ways :) i'm not really trying to put any one down. these are just my experiences from my point of view and it is with out hiding anything, how i feel right now. oh but for the reason i started writing is i'm trying to figure out whether or not i will be doing my visiting teaching this month. the idea stresses me out. i read the e-mail from my visiting teaching companion & the stress came back! what's wrong with me! :) i feel like other than friends and family i just need to be left alone! just until i've recovered and i'm done being a turtle :) but is that selfish? and will that affect our Temple interviews since i will be scheduling those for this week or next? it shouldn't, but you never know here.

well i feel better :) more at peace :) still a little stressed but better :) i don't mean to freak any one out :) and thank you all for your comments! :) i love hearing from all of you! :) and i love all of you! :) and even if i don't know you i love you because your my sister or brother! :)

ALL WE ARE SAYING IS GIVE PEACE A CHANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

p.s. when we are in, the place that we are moving to next which i will hopefully write about tomorrow or the day after, i want to put together a PEACE march!!!!!! :) it will be sooooo AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) and please have a Beautiful day today!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
and share your real smiles for all to see!!!!!!! :)
julie :)